"Set Out" - Daphne Kingma (excerpt) "Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You"

---“Self-Portrait" by Jay Lonewolf Morales

“You can never solve the problem at the level of the problem ...” —Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

There is really only one way to arrive at authentic self-love, and that is to realize that you can never be fully satisfied on a psychological level. The "terrible errors of childhood" as the poet William Stafford once called our psychological wounds, can never been entirely redressed in a single human lifetime. Although you can take many steps toward claiming yourself on a psychological level, the true reception of the miracle you are can only be perceived in a higher frame.

When you're stuck in a traffic jam—tires squealing, horns banging, people yelling at each other —the hostility of the whole world seems to be concentrated on a single street corner, and the world feels like an angry place. At other times you can be in an airplane and see the vast and beautiful expanse of the planet, where cars are ants, huge office buildings mere pinpoints of light, and the earth seems like a tranquil and beautiful place.

It's the same with loving ourselves. The picture always has two frames. On an emotional level, learning to yourself is an undertaking of the personality. It means that, just as you are, a person stumbling, bumbling, and celebrating your way through life, you desire the tranquility of feeling good enough to proceed, finding peace in your heart when you sleep at night, having confidence asyou move through the vicissitudes of your life. But on a higher, spiritual level loving yourself is loving your essence, and that is quite another matter.

If you have applied the teachings of the first three steps in this book, you've probably already found a greater sense of comfort in your life, as well as real moments of loving yourself. True self-love, however, the unshakable joy of recognizing the you I spoke of at the beginning of this book can never be attained simply by shoring up your broken-down psyche. In addition to the first three steps, which deal on the psychological level, you must somehow come to an awareness of a higher self, the you beyond the you, the self beyond your personal self, the eternal essence that stepped into life in the form of this you for a time.

This essence is beyond all the psychological dramas and traumas you have endured. It is beyond your heartaches and woes, beyond your achievements, and even beyond the legacy you'll leave behind. This you is nameless, faceless, radiant, and eternal. This you knows who you are and what you're doing here. This you understands that the whole wonderful, self-doubting, nerve-wracking trip of a single human life is all about love, is really only a teaching about the mystery and the majesty of the all-encompassing ocean of love that we have come from and to which we will return.

We are love, and everything we suffer and endure, go through or dream of is here to remind us of that single final fact. It's very hard to remember this. And because we can only occasionally remember this, because for a lot of us this concept is like some wild jungle animal roaming around in the vine-draped outskirts of our consciousness, we're usually trapped at the level of the relationship break-up, the traffic jam, the lost job, or the mother-in-law—stuck in our own little personal grade B movies with no concept whatsoever of the grand eternal Roxy Theater where all our little personal movies are playing—each one of them just a scene in the all time longest playing movie in the world; the one called love.

It's very hard to remember this.
Human life is simultaneously a path toward and a huge distraction from the grand and eternal truth that our lives are all about love. Indeed, the only way that we can really ever love ourselves is to somehow get in touch with this picture, to see that we're a part of the whole, to remember that we are love—and that we are loved.

To arrive at true self-compassion, you must see yourself as part of this whole, as deserving of belonging. In the eternal context, you do have a place, you are a being of infinite value, you have been chosen. Knowing this can bring great peace. But to arrive at this peace requires attention, a conscious turning. To arrive at a destination, you must set out.

You must set out on a new path, to a higher level, to what has greater meaning. You must to move on from what you've always done, and set out in the direction of something new. In order to set out, you must begin by acknowledging that there's someplace beyond where you are that's worth going to, that you don't know it all, that you haven't arrived, and that there's more to receive.

Setting out implies an unknown—you take the first step, but you can't see your destination. There's a distance between you and it. You don't know what you'll find on the way—whether there will be disappointments or revelations, sidetracks and detours, dangers or miracles, tigers or angels. Nevertheless you set out—with the sense that something more awaits you, with the commitment to discover what that is. And the deeper you go with this commitment, the more of yourself you will find.

Sometimes we feel that the more we focus on ourselves, the better we'll love ourselves, and when you're dealing with your psychological issues, this is certainly true. Engaging in a process of emotional healing can take a great deal of time and focus, and, as we have seen, it's very important to become aware of your psychological issues. It's also important to find your voice and speak out, to take action, to clear away what stands in your way, to create inner and outer space for yourself. But after you've done all that, it's even more important to set out on a path of surrendering yourself to something that can show you that you are a part of the whole —not the whole of yourself, but the whole of the universe.

It is only in that context that the petty horrors of your life will finally dissolve, that the truest beauty of your self will finally emerge. This process of discovery is beyond the psychological. It is a spiritual journey. When you set out on this path, you will find your true essence.

Which Path Should You Take?
In a way it doesn't really matter which path you set out on. Any path, deeply committed to and followed with intention, can lead you to your deepest essence. In one of his stories, the writer Andre Dubus speaks of people who have practiced the spiritual path of Alcoholics Anonymous for many years. 'You know that look they have," he says, "when they've been dry for years. Like there's a part of them that nothing in the world can touch." He's referring to that deep quality of self that is achieved when one has truly set out on a path. Similarly, when you're in an ashram in India, and you spend a day in deep meditation with thousands of others who are also meditating, you recognize among them the utterly beautiful and tranquil eyes of certain people who, clearly, have been meditating for years. It's obvious that these souls have moved beyond self- loathing, that they've surrendered to a larger purpose. It makes sense that they're not lying awake at night still trying to patch together the tattered quilts of their broken self-confidence. In some profound sense they love themselves; in the heart of their being, they know they're all right.

The same is true for you. When you set out on a path toward something higher, you will discover yourself. Not your personal self, but your holy beautiful self, the one whom you can't help but love. The you who can step out of yourself and give. That you will find joy in fulfilling your purpose. That you is willing to serve. That you can do nothing but love.

There are many paths that can take you to this deeper self. Physical disciplines, spiritual practices, skills developed to such a high level they take you out of yourself. There's a beautiful Korean physical and spiritual discipline called Dahn Hak which I have practiced for several years. It specifically instructs you to honor your body and yourself by, for example, touching your face and saying the words, "I love you, my beautiful face" or by putting your hand on your chest and saying, "I love you, my wonderful heart." It also provides the physical discipline by which these words become true on an energetic level in your body.

Any form of dance can also do this, whether a sufi dervish, an Argentine tango, a flowing fox trot, or a sensuous samba. When you dance you connect with your own transcendence. Meditating can also take you to this deep place in yourself. Swimming will do it. Surfing will do it. Walking miles with your dog can do it. But it isn't just one dance that will do it, a single night at an AA meeting, one morning of Dahn Hak practice, or an hour of meditation every other week or so. When you set out on a path you must walk it—with grace, with commitment, with steadfastness. For only if you set out on it again and again will it truly support you. Only if you walk it will it give you ... you.

Each time you deepen the journey of the path you have set out on, you deepen your relationship with yourself. That's because the deeper you go, the more obstructions to your true nature will fall away. The more the obstructions to your true nature fall away, the more you will see your true essence.

The more you see your true essence the more you will see that your true essence is love. The more you see that your essence is love, the more you will love and receive yourself. And the more you receive yourself, the less you will struggle with questions of self- love. This is the circle you start to draw the minute you set out on your path.

Dalphine Kingma's Website (Books)

“Benefit or Harm?” (excerpt from THE TAO OF FORGIVENESS) by William Martin


"Disconnection (letter to a friend)" by Bei Kuan-tu

--“Depression II” by Marion Patrick

My Friend,

This letter includes a few small insights taken from my 60 years of inner-travel (I do like the sound of that). I've shared these thoughts near and far —with family, close friends, sometimes complete strangers, a few high schoolers, and now you. My words are small footprints— simple snippets of a heart's journey.   But I think the essence to what I am trying to say is here.     


My life’s purpose wasn't always to bless. Transformative change is arduous, ongoing, and never ending. It involves the unlocking and releasing of emotional and physical pain. It thrives on mega doses of humility. So as I write please know that judgement is not my intent. For I am a true believer in first aiming my considerations homeward—at myself.  As Jesus so profoundly stated,

“Take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother or sister's eye."   

There are few wiser words.

The great thing about being alive, or at least some semblance of it, is the endless opportunity to go deeper, to expand one's inner domain —leading the heart to clearer waters. In such places Love's dazzling waves shimmer, and delight the human spirit.  Equally true, life requires us to passionately work to rise above the psychological (mental) noise that "separates us from our own authenticity" and "sense of well being."  Only in doing both can we begin to know the face of freedom.  

So why can we love so deeply and in the next breathe spew fire with equal intensity? Why can we dance to life's enchanting beat and yet wallow in an abyss of hopeless fear?  Who and what are we beyond the stuff inside these bags of skin we call ourselves? Why do we so often block the heart and choose the head that leads us to places we are ill-prepared to go?  It can make a person feel unhinged—like trying to
bite one's own teeth (Alan Watts)!  In my own case healing was (and is) a process — slowly, and sometimes painfully challenging one’s cleverly crafted existence. In the past the fruit of my labor was mostly a disingenuous universe: an inauthentic existence —disconnected, lacking truth, manipulative, controlling, and often dishonest.   Granted, these behaviors could be subtle to the eye and ear, but they were full throttled drama living inside of me. You name the mark missed, I was its chief archer!  Why all the charades? Why the self fabricating illusions?   I have my theories.  Looking back, it is clear that all of this crazy chaos served as the prelude to a future that held a brighter promise. Symbolically, my aimless journey served much like a piece of jewelers velvet, highlighting an exquisitely placed gem. The darkened fabric, my misguided ways —the diamond resting on it, Life abundant. In retrospect a new sense of openness was headed my way requiring an honest look at Me and the destructive behaviors I’d embraced. Maybe “wisdom’s touch” was the kind hand prodding me from unconscious slumber—to begin to see all manner of things from the Heart.  Call it “seeing from the core,” “the third eye," or “abiding in the spirit" —I recognized it as “practicing an honest heart.” The Book of Proverbs states,

“There's a way that seemeth right unto man, but in the end thereof is our complete undoing." 

The first half of that statement was my old mantra. I carried a running, misinformed commentary in my head that never ceased. Thus, I acted accordingly. There were times where I couldn’t differentiate the commentary from the commentator.
I was that voice in my head! As a result I acted out like a neurotic little god running his paltry domain. I judged, cast friends and foes alike aside, reveled in others failures, and overall was a wretched mess! In the end I became overwhelmed by the physical and emotional weight of maintaining a life I’d cunningly constructed. My little kingdom was coming undone.  Bei, as I once knew him was approaching his final curtain.  His universe, or more accurately his misguided consciousness, was imploding!  Interestingly, I think my situation paralleled a simple principal in nature: a consuming fire later becomes the ground for a forest’s regeneration. A similar renewal process was working in me.

So my good friend, you’ve been let down by others, countless times I’ll assume. Most recently by a near and dear friend. And, to make matters worse anger, even rage flashes it’s ugly head to deepen your pain. I am so very sorry. Your agony must feel like a Boa constrictor compressing the life right out of you.  No doubt there are countless reasons why your anger seems justified.  I've certainly experienced similar battles in the attitude arena of  "I've been burned."  Anger (or disconnect) comes at a very steep price: estrangement from family, friends and often separation from humanity at large.  It took me years and an immersion into humility to sort through my malaise of mental entanglements— to ultimately find some clarity of heart and mind. Throughout this long process “a growing awareness” revealed a misguided perspective on life and a darkened attitude towards others as the root of my suffering. Worse, for decades that illusion caused extensive emotional pain that rarely left my side.  It's not that I wasn't justified in my personal assessments others, or the world around me, but as I would come to learn— abiding in that thought process is a path laden with rusty cans, venomous vermin, and is a treacherous slope only fools travel.  As the Buddha stated,

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

  Before you know it you become the very thing you've so despised in others! Sadly, I became that person.  This is why as a father, grandfather, friend, teacher and sometimes mentor I have always been quick to challenge the concept of throwing fireballs (even if seemingly justified).  Once they are thrown it's difficult to take them back.  Being trapped in our minds, disconnected from the heart, can quickly cause anyone to descend into a hellish state of being, and act out accordingly.   No one should have to travel that road (yet sadly many do).

After years of study and journeying around the planet you returned home, and back into our lives. Do you remember your first visit? Listening to your embellishments stirred me to make this comment, "if you didn't try so hard to be something beyond the real you you’d absolutely shine?  I meant that.  I still do.  I think you are an amazing young woman. You are insightful beyond your years.  Your energy, your driving spirit and your tenacity are all beyond measure.  I also see someone emotionally guarded, on a mission to prove something (whatever that is), carrying with her a deeply rooted melancholic history.  At times your face can light up the darkest sky, but equally your eyes speak with great sorrow.  I know it hurts. I do not know your history and I don't pretend to know your pain, but I have slowly come to know my own.  Haunted for decades it robbed me of my joy, and it kept me from the deepest measures of love. Thankfully, slowly but surely, heartfelt awareness soothed, softened and ultimately strengthened me—and as a consequence the greatest of gifts bestowed itself within: I could breath again! 

Know that you are loved immensely.  There is no judgment at this end of the fence, only compassion.  We miss your presence.

All My Love,